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Monday Morning Memo

Here are a few of the most famous opening lines in literature:

“Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.”
—Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude

“If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.”
—J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

“One summer afternoon Mrs. Oedipa Maas came home from a Tupperware party whose hostess had put perhaps too much kirsch in the fondue to find that she, Oedipa, had been named executor, or she supposed executrix, of the estate of one Pierce Inverarity, a California real estate mogul who had once lost two million dollars in his spare time but still had assets numerous and tangled enough to make the job of sorting it all out more than honorary.”
—Thomas Pynchon, The Crying of Lot 49

“It was a wrong number that started it, the telephone ringing three times in the dead of night, and the voice on the other end asking for someone he was not.”
—Paul Auster, City of Glass

“Through the fence, between the curling flower spaces, I could see them hitting.”
—William Faulkner, The Sound and the Fury

“Somewhere in la Mancha, in a place whose name I do not care to remember, a gentleman lived not long ago, one of those who has a lance and ancient shield on a shelf and keeps a skinny nag and a greyhound for racing.”
—Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote

“Once an angry man dragged his father along the ground through his own orchard. ‘Stop!’ cried the groaning old man at last, ‘Stop! I did not drag my father beyond this tree.'”
—Gertrude Stein, The Making of Americans

“I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy, in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan, in August of 1974.”
—Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex

“Owl was neither wise nor old. She was a teenage assassin whose large, dark eyes said she was sleepy or depressed or bored. I was never really sure which. —Roy H. Williams, Vess Barnes Says Hello

“What if this young woman, who writes such bad poems, in competition with her husband, whose poems are equally bad, should stretch her remarkably long and well-made legs out before you, so that her skirt slips up to the tops of her stockings?”
—Gilbert Sorrentino, Imaginative Qualities of Actual Things

“It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn’t know what I was doing in New York.”
—Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly feet, and so does Mindy Metalman, Lenore notices, all of a sudden.”
—David Foster Wallace, The Broom of the System

“Francis Marion Tarwater’s uncle had been dead for only half a day when the boy got too drunk to finish digging his grave and a Negro named Buford Munson, who had come to get a jug filled, had to finish it and drag the body from the breakfast table where it was still sitting and bury it in a decent and Christian way, with the sign of its Saviour at the head of the grave and enough dirt on top to keep the dogs from digging it up.”
—Flannery O’Connor, The Violent Bear It Away

“THIS IS THE ROOM of the wolfmother wallpaper. The toadstool motel you once thought a mere folk tale, a corny, obsolete, rural invention. This is the room where your wisest ancestor was born, be you Christian, Arab, or Jew. The linoleum underfoot is sacred linoleum. Please remove your shoes. Quite recently, the linoleum here was restored to its original luster with the aid of a wax made from hornet fat. It scuffs easily. So never mind if there are holes in your socks.”
—Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All

“When I finally caught up with Abraham Trahearne, he was drinking beer with an alcoholic bulldog named Fireball Roberts in a ramshackle joint just outside of Sonoma, California, drinking the heart right out of a fine spring afternoon.”
—James Crumley, The Last Good Kiss

“A great opening line is one that makes you want to keep reading.”
—Indiana Beagle, Advice to Prospective Initiates into
                          The Royal Society of the Worthless Bastards.

 

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Download the PDF "Dictionary of the Cognoscenti of Wizard Academy"

Random Quote:

“

  1. I am not allowed to carry a whip
  2. Imitating Indiana Jones in any way is forbidden
  3. “For fun-sies” is not an acceptable synonym for “ritual purposes”
  4. I am not allowed to use my trowel as a knife
  5. I am not allowed to use a skull to recite Hamlet (It’s insulting to the skull)
  6. I am not a general in the skeleton war
  7. I am not allowed to claim that I can raise the dead
  8. I am not allowed to sing “Hi-ho” while using a mattock
  9. If I am bit by an insect I must report for treatment, not insist that I will become Spiderman
  10. I am not “king of the spoil heap” nor do I “rule over the mighty clods”
  11. Our university funding is for equipment, not alcohol
  12. I am not allowed to kick someone into the trench and yell, “This. Is. Sparta.”
  13. I am not allowed to play “the floor is lava” in the trenches
  14. If jewelry is found, I am not to call it “my precious” nor horde it like Smeagol
  15. No artifact we find appoints me as the chosen one
  16. I am not allowed to start a gang
  17. I am not allowed to play baseball with shovels
  18. I will not switch the decaf with regular nor the regular with expresso, no matter how efficient it would be
  19. I am not allowed to call the crew “gold diggers”
  20. Or “grave diggers” however accurate that may be
  21.  I am not allowed to have flashbacks to wars I was never in
  22. I am not allowed to act like I am possessed by the spirits of those we exhume
  23. I am not allowed to taunt the paleontologists
  24. Machetes are tools, not toys
  25. When someone asks, “can I have a hand?” I am not to give them a bag of hand bones
  26. I am not allowed to talk to the public about good places to bury a body
  27. We do not perform virgin sacrifices
  28. We do not perform blood sacrifices either
  29. I am not allowed to act like a flamboyant fashion photographer while taking in-situ photographs
  30. The drone is a tool, not a toy
  31. There are several tests to determine if it is a bone aside from licking it
  32. I am not allowed to be drinking when I should be working
  33. I am not allowed to refer to spilled drinks as “libations to the gods”
  34. The GIS is not my “wizard staff”
  35. I am not allowed to insist that any inscription is a curse. It’s probably graffiti
  36. Especially if I cannot actually read said language
  37. Take that hat off
  38. I am not to address supervisors as “master” or insinuate I am their minion
  39. I am not allowed to prescribe any medication to the undergrads.
  40. I have a doctorate, but I am not a medical doctor
  41. Doing any form of illicit substance is not considered experimental archaeology, even if I write the results down
  42. A rain-filled trench is not a pool
  43. I am not allowed to talk like a pirate
  44. I am not allowed to join the local gang either.

“

- Andrei Friedman

The Wizard Trilogy

The Wizard Trilogy

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