A Gift from the Office of the Vice Chancellor

As I wander the campus of Wizard Academy each day,
I find myself spending more and more time in the luxurious office
of the academy’s Vice Chancellor. Dim light, gourmet popcorn, single malt Scotch and blood red wine. Time passes differently in there.
An hour has more minutes.

Brother Whittington and I were
talking about next week’s class on Direct Response ad writing
when he shared with me this sexy saxophone song about
direct response done badly. You should listen to it.

I’m thinking maybe I’ll pop in
and ask Brother Whittington for something new each week
to put in the rabbit hole.

Or maybe I’ll forget.

I guess we’ll know next week, huh?

Indiana Beagle,
Aesthete at Large
That’s right, aesthete, not athlete.
This country has too few of the first,
too many of the second.
Or maybe you disagree.

I played this for the wizard and he bought it on iTunes immediately and has been playing it pretty much nonstop ever since. That boy is so easy to entertain.

Step Right Up
by Tom Waits
Buy it on iTunes

step right up step right up step right up
everyone’s a winner bargains galore
that’s right you too can be the proud owner
of the quality goes in before the name goes on
one-tenth of a dollar one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after the sale
how ’bout perfume? we got perfume, how ’bout an engagement ring?
something for the little lady something for the little lady
something for the little lady hmm
three for a dollar
we got a year-end clearance we got a white sale
and smoke-damaged furniture you can drive it away today
act now act now and receive as our gift our gift to you
they come in all colors one size fits all
no muss no fuss no spills you’re tired of kitchen drudgery
everything must go going out of business going out of business
going out of business sale
fifty percent off original retail price skip the middle man
don’t settle for less
how do we do it how do we do it volume volume turn up the volume
now you’ve heard it advertised don’t hesitate
don’t be caught with your drawers down
don’t be caught with your drawers down
you can step right up step right up
that’s right, it filets it chops it dices slices
never stops lasts a lifetime mows your lawn
and it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
it gets rid of unwanted facial hair
it gets rid of embarrassing age spots
it delivers a pizza and it lengthens and it strengthens
and it finds that slipper that’s been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks
and it plays a mean Rhythm Master
it makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
and it’s only a dollar step right up it’s only a dollar step right up
’cause it forges your signature
if not completely satisfied mail back unused portion of product
for complete refund of price of purchase
step right up
please allow thirty days for delivery don’t be fooled by cheap imitations
you can live in it live in it laugh in it love in it
swim in it sleep in it
live in it swim in it laugh in it love in it
removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets that’s right
and it entertains visiting relatives it turns a sandwich into a banquet
tired of being the life of the party?
change your shorts change your life change your life
change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy get rid of your wife
and it walks your dog and it doubles on sax
doubles on sax you can jump back Jack see you later alligator
see you later alligator
and it steals your car
it gets rid of your gambling debts it quits smoking
it’s a friend and it’s a companion
and it’s the only product you will ever need
follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
well it takes weights off hips bust thighs chin midriff
gives you dandruff and it finds you a job it is a job
and it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange
and it gives you denture breath
and you know it’s a friend and it’s a companion
and it gets rid of your traveler’s checks
it’s new it’s improved it’s old-fashioned
well it takes care of business never needs winding
never needs winding never needs winding
gets rid of blackheads the heartbreak of psoriasis
christ you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak buddy
c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon
’cause it’s effective it’s defective it creates household odors
it disinfects it sanitizes for your protection
it gives you an erection it wins the election
why put up with painful corns any longer?
it’s a redeemable coupon no obligation no salesman will visit your home
we got a jackpot jackpot jackpot prizes prizes prizes all work guaranteed
how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it how do we do it
we need your business we’re going out of business
we’ll give you the business
get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
receive our free brochure free brochure
read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions batteries not included
send before midnight tomorrow terms available
step right up step right up step right up
you got it buddy the large print giveth and the small print taketh away
step right up you can step right up you can step right up
c’mon step right up
get away from me kid you bother me
step right up step right up step right up c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon
step right up you can step right up c’mon and step right up
c’mon and step right up