“Band members argue when they’re touring,” Whittington mumbled absentmindedly. When he looked up and noticed that I was waiting for him to continue, he said, “Once we spent thirty minutes fighting about what sort of tattoos Mister Rogers was hiding under those long-sleeved sweaters. We all agreed that Rogers was muscular and dangerous and covered with tats, but Phil and Jeff argued that he was an ex-CIA field operative while I maintained he was a retired Navy Seal. The only person not saying anything was Jake, our guitarist, because Jake never spoke.”

“On the parking lot of the TV studio,
we began arguing about whether or not the host would use the World’s Worst Opening Line, indicating that she had done no homework whatsoever. I said she’d go there. Everyone else said she was better than that. Everyone except Jake, of course, because Jake never spoke.”

“I won. She opened the interview by smiling at us and saying, ‘Tell me about your music.’ I was smiling triumphantly while the rest of the band was struggling to hide their disgust, so she put the microphone under my lips. But before I could say anything, Jake grabbed it and looked directly into the lens of the TV camera. He stared for a long moment and then gravely announced, “Our music is exactly like Mister Rogers. But without the sweater.”

Then he handed her back the mic.