“Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things:  Good morning, and Congratulations to the Dartmouth class of 2011.

Today you have achieved something special, something only 92% of Americans your age will ever know… a college diploma. That’s right. With your college diploma, you now have a crushing advantage over 8% of the workforce.

I am talking about dropout LOSERS like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired president of the United States and decorated war hero, while I, a cable television talk show host, have been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

I would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here today. After my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the man. He goes by President Kim, and Dr. Kim. To his friends, he’s Jim-Kim J of the K… Special K… JK Rowling… the Just-Kidding Kimster… and most puzzling, Stinky Pete.

He serves as the chair of the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine at Harvard Medical School. He spearheaded a task force for the World Health Organization on global health initiatives. He won a MacArthur Genius Grant, and was one of TIME magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in 2006.

Good God, man! What the hell are you compensating for?”

– Conan O’Brien,
delivering the Commencement Speech at Dartmouth University