Apples and
Peanut Butter

Forget chips and dip. Take a walk on the wild side. This All-American recipe is illegal in 7 states and under investigation in 12 more. Do it correctly and you’ll howl at the moon. You’ll throw rocks at policemen. You’ll dance like Fred Astaire. You’ll write a letter to Jimi Hendrix. He’ll read it.

Step One: The Purchase
Go to the store known for great produce. Approach the fruits with reverence.

Step Two: The Discipline
Ignore the fact that Fuji apples are oddly misshapen and strangely colored. This is a clever disguise to redirect unworthy apple shoppers to the mushy, pretty apples we see in coloring books and on after-school TV specials starring Jodie Foster when she was nine.

Step Three: The Selection
Mutter under your breath continuously,
“There are no apples but Fuji apples.
  There are no apples but Fuji apples.
  There are no apples but Fuji apples.
  And Honey Crisp when you can get them.”
Repeat until the Fujis are purchased and you’re safely back in your car.

Step Four: The Cut
Use a Dalla Piazza apple slicer to create perfect apple wedges. For best results, stand your Fuji on its head and slice from the bottom. You’ll understand after you’ve done it.

Step Five: The Dip
Throw 2 dollops of Peanut Butter onto a plate with the wedges.

Republicans: Use Jif peanut butter
Democrats: Use Peter Pan peanut butter
Independents: Use organic peanut butter and prepare to be dissatisfied. (You’ll feel like you did the right thing, it just didn’t work out.)

Step Six: The Bite
Make sure a trusted friend has sufficient bail money. Write his or her telephone number inside your forearm. Move away from all hard objects with sharp corners. Dip the wedge into the peanut butter. Follow your instincts.

      Aroo.

   Roy H. Williams