You Will Learn to Fear Me
Do not look into my eyes. Do not look into my large, cute, planet-eliminating eyes. Do not look deep. Please. I beg of you. Do not look into my eyes. For the love of all that is holy – look away. Now. Before it is too late.
I caused the fires on Andromeda with just a look. I escaped the planet of Ulysses and eliminated the stoneguards with a simple wink. Yes, that was me. On 132 planets, uttering my name is punishable by death. Do not look into my eyes. I beg of you, do not look into my eyes.
Hidden in the depth of my eyes you will learn the truth. You will learn to respect fear. For my name is….. Buy this painting and you will learn my name.
When you learn my name, you will be able to unleash the power of all that is unholy. You know that neighbor who mows their lawn at 7 in the morning on Sunday? Utter my name – problem solved.
Hold this painting. Utter my name and all will bow to your will. Want to get to the front of the line at Starbucks on a Monday morning at rush hour? Done. Want your calls answered on the first ring by the United Airlines? Done. That is the power you will possess.
But I must warn you. My lawyers, the United Nations, and the Men in Black have all insisted that this disclaimer be attached to this ad: “Possessing this painting and knowing the name of this being grants you the power of the unspeakable. Danger, danger, Will Robinson!”
It is not all puppy dogs and roses. I am obligated to warn you. The day will come when you will accidently look into my eyes and you will discover fear.
You can have all of this and a stick of gum for $50.
But do not look into my eyes.
– Stephen Semple,
writing for Jenny the artist, during the Art Marketing Workshop at Wizard Academy.