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Monday Morning Memo

On November 16, 1906, Caruso went to the Monkey House in the Central Park Zoo, one of his favorite retreats in his adopted hometown of New York City. There a young woman accused him of pinching her bottom. A policeman on the scene immediately took Caruso–confused and sobbing–to jail. The woman failed to appear at the consequent trial, and police were unable to produce any witnesses other than the arresting officer, who turned out to have been best man at the accuser’s wedding.

The judge found Caruso guilty of disorderly conduct and fined him ten dollars. The public, for its part, though initially unsure of Caruso’s innocence, soon returned to its thunderous approval of his performances.

Despite these episodes, Caruso’s life outside the theater was not entirely tumultuous. His marriage to Dorothy Park Benjamin in 1918 was happy and secure. His celebrated earnings allowed him to collect art, stamps, and coins. His clothing and furnishings were luxurious. He ate with gusto. And he was extremely generous.

A gifted caricaturist, Caruso gave his drawings away.

He would fill his pockets with gold coins and shower stagehands with them at the end of his concerts each Christmas.

He gave numerous charity concerts and helped raise millions of dollars for the Allied cause during World War I.

This remarkable man even paid his taxes early. “If I wait, something might happen to me, then it would be hard to collect,” Caruso reasoned. “Now I pay, then if something happen to me the money belongs to the United States, and that is good.”

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Download the PDF "Dictionary of the Cognoscenti of Wizard Academy"

Random Quote:

“

  1. I am not allowed to carry a whip
  2. Imitating Indiana Jones in any way is forbidden
  3. “For fun-sies” is not an acceptable synonym for “ritual purposes”
  4. I am not allowed to use my trowel as a knife
  5. I am not allowed to use a skull to recite Hamlet (It’s insulting to the skull)
  6. I am not a general in the skeleton war
  7. I am not allowed to claim that I can raise the dead
  8. I am not allowed to sing “Hi-ho” while using a mattock
  9. If I am bit by an insect I must report for treatment, not insist that I will become Spiderman
  10. I am not “king of the spoil heap” nor do I “rule over the mighty clods”
  11. Our university funding is for equipment, not alcohol
  12. I am not allowed to kick someone into the trench and yell, “This. Is. Sparta.”
  13. I am not allowed to play “the floor is lava” in the trenches
  14. If jewelry is found, I am not to call it “my precious” nor horde it like Smeagol
  15. No artifact we find appoints me as the chosen one
  16. I am not allowed to start a gang
  17. I am not allowed to play baseball with shovels
  18. I will not switch the decaf with regular nor the regular with expresso, no matter how efficient it would be
  19. I am not allowed to call the crew “gold diggers”
  20. Or “grave diggers” however accurate that may be
  21.  I am not allowed to have flashbacks to wars I was never in
  22. I am not allowed to act like I am possessed by the spirits of those we exhume
  23. I am not allowed to taunt the paleontologists
  24. Machetes are tools, not toys
  25. When someone asks, “can I have a hand?” I am not to give them a bag of hand bones
  26. I am not allowed to talk to the public about good places to bury a body
  27. We do not perform virgin sacrifices
  28. We do not perform blood sacrifices either
  29. I am not allowed to act like a flamboyant fashion photographer while taking in-situ photographs
  30. The drone is a tool, not a toy
  31. There are several tests to determine if it is a bone aside from licking it
  32. I am not allowed to be drinking when I should be working
  33. I am not allowed to refer to spilled drinks as “libations to the gods”
  34. The GIS is not my “wizard staff”
  35. I am not allowed to insist that any inscription is a curse. It’s probably graffiti
  36. Especially if I cannot actually read said language
  37. Take that hat off
  38. I am not to address supervisors as “master” or insinuate I am their minion
  39. I am not allowed to prescribe any medication to the undergrads.
  40. I have a doctorate, but I am not a medical doctor
  41. Doing any form of illicit substance is not considered experimental archaeology, even if I write the results down
  42. A rain-filled trench is not a pool
  43. I am not allowed to talk like a pirate
  44. I am not allowed to join the local gang either.

“

- Andrei Friedman

The Wizard Trilogy

The Wizard Trilogy

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