“Is that ham processed?
If it’s processed, I don’t want it.”

“Ma’am, that is an eleven pound whole slab of deli ham. It has no bones, fat, or connective tissue.  It is an amalgamation of the meat of several pigs, emulsified, liquified, strained, and ultimately inexorably joined in an unholy meat obelisk. God had no hand in the creation of this abhorrence. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is either powerless to alter his universe, or ignorant of the horrors taking place in his kingdom. This prism of pork is more than deli meat. It is a physical declaration of mankind’s contempt for the natural order. It is hubris manifest. We also have a lower sodium variety if you would prefer that.”