by Dana Zilic
I was looking for life. And life was looking for me.
I had been searching for years but I realized that to find it I had to escape. Walk away. Leave behind those who were so content to live the life that they were given. They laughed at things I didn’t understand. They rejoiced over success I knew as mediocrity. They roared when they saw new ideas riding into town and drove them out with rage and fear. They hid in a self-made bubble.
I, however, begged for new ideas. Longed for new horizons. Craved new conversations. And I knew within my soul that there was more. Because of this they pitied me. Feared me. Ran from me.
And so I left.
They didn’t try to stop me. I think that my leaving brought a collective sigh of relief. They could go back to their two dimensional lives and be heroes in their own story. I envied them but I didn’t want to be one of them.
I had often wondered why being part of their simple, safe, uniform world frightened me. Mine was just the opposite which sometimes ravaged and tortured my soul. And yet I couldn’t ignore the call to discover a life that I knew would bring an obscene amount of challenge but also mind shattering revelation.
I began my journey. I was scared; NO I was petrified. What if my search found nothing? I could never go back and I would not be able to go forward. I would be lost. More lost than I already was.
Then I heard a whisper.
And I obeyed.
I arrived at my first destination and emotion poured out of me. I had taken such a leap of faith. Left everything that I knew. Everything that was familiar and safe. I had walked away from those who loved me. I had battled against those who labelled my soul’s desire as foolish, thoughtless, irrational, crazy. And here I stood, having obeyed a whisper, in a place that was already changing me.
I began to walk the streets. I didn’t know where I would end up, but for the moment I didn’t care. And I breathed it all in. I felt the buzz of this foreign land and its life’s blood. I felt the pulse of its heartbeat. And our hearts began to beat together like a kettle drum in rhythm…ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom.
She welcomed me as a mother would welcome her long lost child. And I embraced her. We danced along streets and banks of a river. We shared moments on bridges and in cafes. We laughed as we watched passersby scurrying from place to place. We enjoyed silence in cathedrals that had stood the test of time. And for a time our hearts beat as one.
And then I heard the whisper.
Sadly, I knew it was time to go. To continue on, I was forced to say good-bye. There were many streets to walk, cultures to meet, and conversations to have. And as I began to walk away, something made me stop. Holding my faithful companion protectively, I turned slowly and I listened.
There it was. The heart beat…ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.
Only this time it was not in sync with mine, for mine was changing. And it was at that moment that I realized my heart was searching for its new beat.