All my life my Father has told me, “Manley, just remember we have a lot of class… but it’s all low.”
So I knew when I had the opportunity to go big potty on a $7000 terlet…“I was born for such a time as this.”
Upon entering the bathroom, the first thing I notice is the Eye of the Elephant. A single, sapphire eye gazing half-opened on the floor, daring me to enter. My approach is hesitant because I’m about to attempt to Beastmaster this impeccable throne.
I awaken the beast by shuffling my foot like a 3-year-old learning to tap dance. The lid slowly opens like a clam shell as if to say, “Feed me Seymour. Feed me.” Gentle music begins playing. That’s right, this Commodore plays music. The music of angels is the default song, but I don’t have time to think about that because I’m distracted.
This thing ain’t got no tank.
My life briefly flashes before my eyes. I consider, “What do I grab onto if my taking a crap turns into an ‘Oh, crap’ moment?” I double-check the lock on the door, because I don’t want to be exposed mid-ride if you know what I’m saying. I take a deep breath, then prepare myself for mounting the saddle. Once you commit and your pants are at your ankles, you are now in a vulnerable position. There’s nothing weaker than a man with his pants around his ankles, except maybe a man with his pants around his ankles wearing flip flops.
As my bottom-side lowers into the squat position I’m surprised by the welcoming seat. This thing is heated! Not like a car seat heater, this is more like sitting in the gentle warmth of a womb. It lets you know this is a relaxing place and you can make yourself at home. My backside thinks we are doing hot yoga. It’s just enough warmth to loosen you up. I’m starting to feel like this is where I belong. It’s at this moment I reach toward the controller to see what this thing can do. It comes off the wall! Dude, this thing has a remote. I white-knuckle the remote as I say to myself, “Manley…don’t drop it between your legs”.
First thing I notice on the remote is that it has bluetooth. It’s time to change up the soundtrack. It’s a lot of pressure to try and pick the right song for this special moment. I’ve never had to pick theme music for Turbo Time. It felt like I was choosing my wedding song; you only have one opportunity to get this right. What song would you pick as theme music for your chocolate thunder? There’s only one song for me. Snoop Dogg: Drop it like it’s hot.
Once the business portion of the meeting is over, it’s time for me to see what else this thing does. I notice the buttons for “front” and “rear” and can tell by the pics this is the bidet operation, where the white elephant uses his trunk to help with clean up. But I’m a little concerned ’cause I’ve got some Hershey kisses in the pond along with some paper.
How it’s gonna keep me from having a little cross-contamination?
Oh, no worries, not for Numi the Great! When I hit the booty-wash button it flushes first. Not just once, it flushes twice. Flush one is for general purposes and flush two is to make sure to catch any floaters. Then, there’s a UV light which does some kind of witchcraft to disinfect.
Now it’s time for the booty bath. Man this is weird, but I’ve got control. I get to determine the pressure from gentle spritz to fire hydrant. And I’ve got temperature controls! I went with the hot/cold regimen. One wash hot to catch my dingle remnants, and one wash cold for refreshment. It was like booty botox. I was left feeling young and tight.
Then we’ve got the air dryer. Yes that’s right, my friends, no need to wipe again because we’ve got a built-in blowdryer. It’s like having your own private little hair salon. I can choose a range from “Angel Whisper” to “Power Turbine” depending on how much time I’ve got. Zoom call in a minute? No worries, Power Turbine is there for you. It hit so hard it lifted me off the elephant a little.
Now at this point I know what you’re thinking, but El Elefante’s got you covered. Not only could I control the temperature and pressure of the washer and the dryer, I also had control of the angle.
Now that I’m as fresh as the day of Creation, It’s time for the benediction. The Elephant swishes its trunk power one last time to sweep off any crumbs from the table. As I turn to leave, it waves farewell by shutting its lid to end the ceremony. I am grateful for the experience.
I just relieved myself on a toilet that costs more than a Nissan Versa.
I left Roy and Pennie a note expressing my thanksgiving for the opportunity. I made sure to let them know they could pass along my gratitude to the generous friend who gifted them the elephant.
I was so moved by the experience that I plan to make an annual pilgrimage to leave a yearly offering to Numi the Great, the magical white elephant who has his own private room at Pennie and Roy’s house.
– Manley Miller, New Orleans