Methuselah’s Oatmeal

It’s always good and always good for you. High in protein, off the charts for fiber, low in sugar and salt, this stuff will make you live forever.

Before we get started, let’s make sure you understand we’re NOT using 1-Minute Oatmeal, okay?  That stuff isn’t even oatmeal, it’s a Communist plot.

To be completely safe, you need to purge the house of any remnant packets, boxes or other containers of 1-Minute Oatmeal or its evil cousin “Instant,” before you bring the real oatmeal into your home. Don’t just put the evil oatmeal in the trash, put it in your neighbor’s trash. And not your next-door neighbor, either, a neighbor at least 3 doors down. Get it completely off your property! Bad oatmeal can influence the attitude of good oatmeal.

But then on the other hand, we’re not using “steel-cut” oats, either. Steel-cut oats are a self-righteous, right-wing conspiracy of Rush Limbaugh, Dick Cheney and Halliburton.

We’ll be using 5-Minute “Old Fashioned” Quaker Oats. These are the only authorized oats. NOTE: Quaker has 7 different products they call “oatmeal.” Don’t let them fool you. See illustration at left.

DO NOT USE:
Quick Quaker Oats (Communist)
Quaker Steel Cut Oats (Right-wing conspiracy)
Quaker Instant Oatmeal – Original (Limp)
Quaker Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal
(Who are they kidding?)
Quaker High Fiber Instant Oatmeal
(Instant is instant)
Quaker Instant Organic Oatmeal (For people they couldn’t fool with “High Fiber” Instant.)

The only authorized Oatmeal is Quaker Old Fashioned Oatmeal. It takes 5 minutes to make. Do NOT use the microwave. Microwaves destroy flavor, eliminate nutritional value and have been linked to global warming, racial intolerance, crow’s feet and male pattern baldness.

STEP 1:
Boil 2 cups of actual water.
Set timer to 5 minutes.
Stir in 1.5 cups of authorized,
“Old Fashioned” Oatmeal.
Immediately lower temperature to barely bubbling.
Stir using a wooden spoon. Wooden!
Remove from heat in exactly five minutes.
Oatmeal should be thick.

Step 2:
Add any 4 of the following:

Chopped, fresh Fuji apples. (Dried apples are disallowed, sorry.)
Raisins (Any kind are okay. Raisins are neutral. Like Switzerland.)
Dried Apricots
Dried Cherries
Dried Cranberries
Raw Almonds (Whole are best. Chopped or sliced if you're toothless.)
Pecans
Walnuts
Coconut, shredded
Fresh Blueberries
Fresh Strawberries
Fresh Blackberries
Or any other kind of berries.

Now are you ready for the crazy part, the gourmet part?
DON’T add milk, cream, butter, brown sugar or any of the other “usual” stuff that turns this into just another bowl of breakfast cereal.

This is a meal that can be eaten at any time. Oats and Fruit. Authentic. Real. American. Wholesome. Natural. Good. You’re eating a bowl of whole grain with fruits and nuts, just like your ancestors. This meal is why they didn’t have the weird diseases we get these days.

This exact recipe is what caused Methuselah to live 969 years. And he never got crow’s feet or experienced male pattern baldness.

Really. It’s in the Bible.

Roy H. Williams

TRIVIA – Oatmeal has a long history in Scottish society because oats are better suited to the short, wet growing season of Scotland than is wheat. Hence oats became the staple grain of that country.

Samuel Johnson referred to this in his 1755 dictionary definition for oats:

A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.

To which his biographer, James Boswell, added:

which is why England is known for its horses and Scotland for its men.