I have definite tastes. I prefer analog to digital.
I like the effect of having applied lotion but detest its application: the flatulent pump, the viscosity in the webbing of your fingers, the meniscus-scab of dried lotion that you must first remove from the tap.
I neither enjoy or excel at puzzles.
I hate punning barbershops (Hair ‘Em Scare ‘Em or Shear Genius) and cafes (Ground Zero or Bean Town) and headlines (UT Horns in on Championship).
Turnstiles make me feel self-important. It gives me a semi-erotic frisson to smite recalcitrant coin-operated machinery.
I love – I mean I go GAGA for – any mandarin: oranges, clementines, dancys, satsumas, pokans, you name it. They are my vice, my comfort food, my refuge, and, I might add, an excellent source of follicle-building and shine-conductive vitamin C.
I am the preferred interrogee of people on sidewalks in need of direction.
I have exquisite drive-through manners and often tip.
One of my favorite things in the whole word is a brand-new tube of chapstick. There’s just something about that first flattened edge – a sensation you only get to experience once, but man is it great when you do.
In middle school I cultivated the ability to eat without switching the fork from my left hand, post cut, to my right hand. I did this because I had heard that it was the European style and thought chicks would dig it. I spent many lunch periods eating with my fork in my left hand while staring meaningfully at Raina West.
I hate it when singers say “fie-uh” instead of “fire.”
When I was little I would smile funny for photographs. My eyebrows would arch wildly, my eyes bulging as if I were in shock, and my face would be split by a maniacal, opened-mouthed smile. My reasoning: the number of visible teeth was an infallible index of happiness, so I’d try to give you all thirty-two at once. Often it looked like I was trying too hard, though, like I wanted to reassure you that it meant a lot to me that you were taking my picture, that I was grateful. (Confession – I still do this today. Hence why there are so many pictures of me and my fiancé where I look like I have lost control of my central nervous system.)
What? You want more? Okay – since you asked…
I’m a graduate of the University of Texas with a BS in Radio, Television and Film (2002). (Yes, I did have Roy as guest speaker in my Radio Station Management class.)
For the past 9 years I have been living in Los Angeles, starting as an assistant and then clawing and scrapping my way to a Creative Executive where I oversaw movies that brought in over 1 billion dollars at the domestic box office.
But now I’m back in Austin and I’m eager for a new challenge.
Enter the Wizard Academy.
I want to take this position, and exceed even the loftiest of expectations. I want to take the Wizard Academy and turn it up to eleven. That you’ve raised the stakes by imposing so many limitations only makes me want the position all the more.
My career, hell, my life in general, is about beating the odds – remind me to tell you about my beating a great white shark… twice! – and these are pretty staggering odds. But I like my chances.
And you’ll love my work.