Official History of the Vikings

YEAR

793 Vikings raid a monastery on Lindisfarne Island in England. The English are quite unhappy and say, “We’re telling on you!” The Vikings respond, “Telling who?” The English say, “The king!” The Vikings snort, “You can tell Hootie and the Blowfish for all we care. And by the way, your food sucks.”

844 Vikings raid Seville in Spain. Fewer complaints about the food.

845 Vikings, led by Ragnor, travel up the River Seine to Paris, having heard about the chow. The French King pays a ransom to prevent the sacking of Paris. These Vikings are developing quite a reputation.

860 Vikings attack Constantinople. The food is better than in Spain, but not as good as France.

862 Vikings take their loot and start a little town (Novgorod) in Russia. They later say, “What were we thinking?”

874 A second group of Vikings settles Iceland.

900  A splinter from the first group raids the Mediterranean coasts, kicking butt all the way from the Rock of Gibraltar to the Black Sea.

911 The children of Ragnor (see 845 above) go back to France and grow chubby on Crepes Florentine with lemon hollandaise sauce.

981 Erik the Red, one of the West-sailing group, discovers Greenland, wishes he had sailed the other way.

986 Some of Erik’s followers land in Canada and carve a lot of stuff on rocks.

1001 Leif, Erik's son reaches America and carves a rock or two himself.

1050 The European Vikings found the city of Oslo. It becomes a major trading center.

1200 Vikings begin to mellow out and Snorri Sturluson worries that his people are losing their mojo.

1977 Snorri was right. The Vikings are the first team to play in 4 Super Bowls, losing them all. No team has as many NFC or AFC Championship game appearances (nine) without a Super Bowl title.